I am really struggling with this tonight.
One of the many difficulties with this condition is that I find it difficult to make social connections. I can cope, in the right environment, with small talk – I’ve learnt the scripts and have managed to find a ‘mask’ that sort of works. But any deeper connection to people than that, and I don’t know what I’m doing or how to forge those friendships.
And I watch how other people interact, and I still don’t get how they do it. So I am continually left behind and on my own.
So where this ends up is that I can have days, like today, when everything seems to be wrong. I’m not particularly well, which always seems to make things harder to deal with. There is stuff going on at work making me feel anxious, insecure and – if I’m honest – a little bit rejected. Then there’s the bigger stuff – the stuff I’m dealing with long-term and that I can generally put in a box in the back of my mind most days.
But it’s not the big stuff that makes me feel so lonely. It’s knowing that, if I have a bad day with all the little stuff, there is no-one that I can call on to just have a chat, or a cry – or even anyone, ever, to just give me a hug if they or I have no words. It’s actually the physical contact I miss most about having friends; that’s one of the main ways I relate to the world and when that option is taken away I am lost.
And at the moment I don’t see how I will ever have that connection with anyone again. I’m at the age now where everyone has their own lives and has no space for anyone else in that. Particularly not someone as odd, awkward and sad as I am. And I’m only in my 30s; I could have another 50 years of this.
All I can think at the moment is that it’s not fair, and I am not strong enough. And it isn’t fair, but this is what I have to deal with – I can’t change that. As for being strong enough, I just don’t know. Maybe I can’t do another 50 years. But I might be able to do tomorrow. If I can just stop crying first…