Was hoping things would be easier by now

No chance of that, sadly.

And I don’t know what to do about it. Today’s particular pleasure was continual catastrophic thinking. Which, like so many other things, is much more intense for me because of my condition. So I’ve spent most of the day trying not to go into a full-blown meltdown.

One of the social difficulties I struggle with is thinking that I’ve done something wrong, or that I’ve upset someone. Because I don’t have as many cues to go by as most people – tone of voice and observing / analysing comparative behaviour is about it. And when that happens, I get into this thinking loop and it is really hard to get out of it again. The only thing that I’ve found that stops it entirely is to actually get reassurance from the person that (for example) I think I’ve upset. And if I can’t get that, then all the logic in the world won’t soothe the anxiety I feel.

And I worry that I share too much sometimes, and I wonder whether I should just go back in my box and just be the automaton that I think people expect / want me to be. Then I wonder if I’m being too hard on myself. But I have no answer to those questions.

I don’t know if this gets easier. I have to believe it does. Because I don’t know how many more days like today I can actually take.


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