Thought things had calmed down. I was wrong. All sorts of triggers happening today leading to a pretty major meltdown this afternoon. I did try to ask for help. But it wasn’t that successful.
When I am in a meltdown situation, the most important thing is for someone to help me feel safe. So I need someone to calm me down, reassure me, and stop me from hurting myself. I need help to focus, to help me control the kaleidoscope in my head. Most of all, I need to feel that someone actually cares. A hand on my arm can help bring me back to a safer state. But today there was no-one who realised that even providing that small amount of comfort would help. And I just felt lost.
I hate being like this. I hate being so vulnerable in front of people. I hate the fact that sometimes when I fall there’s no-one to catch me. I have upset and alienated most people because I don’t know how to relate to them. I have tried so hard, but whatever I do I seem to get it wrong.
I don’t think I can do this any more. I have absolutely nothing left. But where do I go from here?