Alone, scared and feeling sorry for myself

When I was first diagnosed, I spent a lot of time reading other people’s blogs about how they dealt with this condition. I was – and still am – particularly interested in the experiences of other women, as our issues can be quite different from men on the spectrum.

But one of the things that none of the blogs seem to touch on is how to cope when you’re completely alone. All the blogs I read regularly are written by women who are in relationships, who have children and a family. I don’t. And I don’t seem to have the knack of making friends, either (although at least that appears to be a common theme).

So I have to manage everything on my own. And it’s really hard sometimes. There’s no-one to support me, no-one to talk to when I’ve had a bad day, or to comfort me when the world becomes too much. There’s no-one that I can share a meal with, or even just ask for a cup of coffee. (I have tried with the latter. But it’s never reciprocated so I’ve finally picked up on the hint and given up trying.)

It also means that I have no-one to call on when I need help with something practical. Like at the moment. I had a minor fall at the weekend – I don’t think I’m badly hurt, but I’ve injured my knee and can’t leave the flat. I should probably see a doctor, but can’t get down the stairs without help. I also can’t drive (because it’s my right knee) and my autism means that getting a taxi on my own is problematic.

This time it’s OK. I’m sure my knee will recover without medical attention. And I’ll try to keep more food in so I’m not living on Christmas cake and olives if I can’t get to the supermarket. What’s scared me is the thought of being alone and helpless if something more serious happened.

So I’m feeling quite sorry for myself (both because my knee hurts and because I could do with someone to talk to). I know I need to stop that and try to make practical plans. I just can’t think of anything at the moment.

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