Another challenging day

I’m struggling at the moment, and feel totally alone.

I’m starting to try and mask again. That isn’t what I should be doing. But it’s the only way I’m getting through the day at the moment.

The strain of masking and the reasons I feel I have to mask mean that I’m having fairly major meltdowns when I get home most days.

Today the last straw was a wrong number on the phone.

The caller wouldn’t go away. Kept asking questions. Complaining that I was being rude to them. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared if I put the phone down they’d just call back; intruding on the only safe place I have.

Which left me literally screaming, ending up curled in a ball on the floor for about half an hour just crying hysterically. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t think.

I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. I need someone to help me. I need someone to reach out; to hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be OK.

I don’t have that. I only have myself.

I need to change the situation. I have been trying. But nothing seems to be working.

I just want to find someone (or a few people) who I can get to know in real life and who will like me; who will be a friend. At the moment that seems too much to ask for.

I’m getting some specialist help over the next couple of weeks. Admitting I need it feels like defeat – but I’m no longer sure what war I’m fighting, or which side I’m on. I also don’t want to expect too much; I know there’s no magic answer.

But I can’t help hoping. And I don’t know where to go next if the help doesn’t work.

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