How do you know when you’ve reached the end of the line?
Because I think I’m getting there.
I’ve spent most of the evening just thinking. Trying to find something, anything in my life that is worth staying around for.
But I can’t actually think of anything.
I have hurt and / or alienated everyone I know. I’m desperately sorry about that. I haven’t meant to, but that doesn’t make it right. And in trying to cope with this condition, my ability to form any kind of functional relationship with anyone seems to have completely disappeared. I don’t know how to get it back.
When I think of the years ahead of me, I can’t see anything other than having to continually fight. But it takes more strength than I have to face that on my own. And I can’t see that the fight’s worth it.
The only thing stopping me from ending it all tonight is that I don’t have the things I need to carry out my plan. And I can’t think of another plan; my brain is going into its kaleidoscope thinking and my thoughts fragment.
For the first time, putting my thoughts on a page hasn’t helped. I don’t know what else I can do. I need to talk; to be with someone. But that isn’t going to be possible.
So for now, I plan to walk. I want to go somewhere, anywhere other than here. I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t know how I’m going to get there, or what I’m going to do. But I know I can’t stay. If I stay here tonight, on my own, I don’t know if I can keep myself safe.
I wish life wasn’t so hard. I wish there was someone who cared about me.
But wishing doesn’t actually change anything, however much I want it to. I have to decide whether I can live with the situation I have. Or whether it’s all too much.
I don’t know the answer at the moment.