Two steps forward, one step back

The good news: the anxiety seems to have subsided a lot this week. I think the last time I felt completely overwhelmed by anxiety was Monday. Hopefully it will stay subsided, at least for a while.

The bad news: I still feel desperately sad. Won’t go into the reasons here. Just feel I’ve lost something recently that I don’t think I can get back.

The frustrating news: I still haven’t got the sensory stuff under control. I had to remove myself from the situation twice today. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, especially because I genuinely can’t think of what I could have done differently. I am hoping to get some proper earplugs soon, which may have helped in the first situation. I probably can’t get away with using them in a team meeting, though.

At least it’s not as frightening now I realise what’s going on. I just need to stay in a dark and quiet place for a while and I’ll recover. Although sometimes it can take a while.

But sensory overload is still not a pleasant experience.

In the early stages I stop being able to process things I hear or see properly. Sounds become completely jumbled up and I become unable to differentiate between them. As things progress, I won’t understand what people are saying to me. My vision also starts to get blurred and almost pixelated.

My other senses start to go as well. I lose my sense of balance and become unaware of my surroundings. I also get ultra-sensitive to touch: I feel as though I have goosebumps all over and ‘electric spiders’ start running up and down my spine. It’s an absolutely horrible sensation and the only thing that helps is for someone to rub my back firmly. However, normally that’s not an option as sensory overload tends to happen at work, and it’s not exactly something I can ask my colleagues to do! So I just have to wait it out.

It was bad today. My nerves are still tingling with the residual overload.

But without the anxiety, it’s just about bearable.

I almost think I might be able to do this after all.


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