Lost and out of courage

Some days take more courage than I have.

I knew that living with this condition wasn’t going to be easy. But I didn’t know it would be quite this hard.

I am trying to do everything I can. I am trying to help myself. I am trying to be better. But I don’t know whether anything is really helping. I am scared I’m making others comfortable at the expense of losing myself.

But I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from slipping into bad habits.

And I am so scared, so overwhelmed at the end of the day that I don’t know how I manage to get myself home most of the time. I can’t remember the last time I made it home without dissolving into tears at some point on the journey. Today I only made it as far as Brighton station.

And no-one ever asks if I’m OK. No-one has seemed to notice that I’m ‘not waving, but drowning’.

I can’t think.

My mind is spinning out of control. I need help. I need to focus the kaleidoscope in my head and be calm again.

But there is no help. There is no-one to care.

I have tried so hard. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I don’t know why no-one wants me around.

I am scared that if I stay alone tonight that I won’t be able to keep myself safe. But I have no-one I can turn to; no-one I can ask to help me.

I don’t even know why I’ve kept on trying. I don’t have anything left now. Only these words, and tears.

I can’t do this any more. I can’t see a way forward.

I can’t be this person any more.

But I have no-one else to be.

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