Falling back into the void

Warning: this is a very dark post

It should have been a good day today. All the right elements were there.

But I’m still exhausted at the end. Still struggling.

And I’m left wondering whether this is it now; whether this is all I have to look forward to; whether ‘OK’ is going to be as good as it gets.

I can’t accept a permanent ‘OK’ as a basis for a life.

There was a point at which I could have taken a different path; one that wouldn’t have led me here; that wouldn’t have led me to this diagnosis and its implications. I wish I could go back in time and take that path. But unfortunately I can’t.

So my options seem to have shrunk to two:

  1. I need to change something, to move from ‘OK’ to ‘better than OK’ at least some of the time
  2. I need to stop taking up everyone’s time and resources and end my life

I don’t know which is the best option. I can’t think what I can change – on paper, everything should be going well (yes, I have done a pros and cons list). And when I model the changes that are possible, the outcomes seem to be worse with the changes than without.

I think I have a plan that would work if I choose option 2. And in many ways, that seems the more sensible option.

I’m not sure I’m ready to give up yet. But I worry that by sticking around, I’m just being selfish, or scared. That I’m not doing what’s best for everyone else – or for me.

I need to talk this through with someone. But I’m not sure who I can trust any more. I’m not sure there’s anyone who would actually care. People seem to have their own agendas. And I’m not capable of figuring those agendas out at the moment.

I wonder if I’m using false logic, or if logical conclusions can be wrong. But if they are, I wonder where that leaves me as logic seems to be all I have to go on at the moment. I certainly can’t trust my emotions.

I need to think this through more. But I don’t anticipate a different conclusion.

It won’t end tonight. I don’t have everything I need, for one thing.

But I don’t know how much strength I have left.

I don’t know how long I can go on like this.

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