I’m struggling a bit this week.
I think last week I was basically running on adrenaline. Trying to convince myself that I was going to be OK. Succeeding, on the whole.
This week it feels as though nothing has changed. Now the dust has settled a bit, I’m still in the same position; still running as fast as I can just to stay in one place.
And I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment; the tension; the uncertainty, other than through the use of a musical analogy.
So let’s assume that a ‘normal’ level of contentment is C major.
That’s where I tend to be when I’m at home, or when I’m talking to someone I feel comfortable with.
Quite commonly I’ll move to a closely-linked key: to G major, F major or A minor (depending on who I am with and how I am feeling that day). These are all still OK – but a little bit away from my ‘home’ key. And although I can stay in them for quite a while, it’s a mild relief when I get back to C major.
But at the moment, I’m feeling like a G7 chord. Which needs to resolve pretty quickly to C major as otherwise it’s really tense and uncomfortable. It feels like something is constantly wrong, although I can’t articulate precisely why.
But I can’t seem to get my mental chord progression to resolve. I’m stuck out on a limb, unable to move my fingers from G7. I’m trying different things, but nothing seems to be working that well.
I find myself resorting to old tactics. To isolating myself, so at least my tension and lack of resolution doesn’t impact other people more than it needs to.
It’s working from that perspective. Sort of.
But I need the resolution.
And at the moment, that’s just not happening.