I have not coped well with today.
So much uncertainty. So much fear.
I understand now why this is considered torture. There’s very little I can point to and say “if that hadn’t happened, then I would feel better now”. If I tried to explain, it would seem as though I’m getting upset over nothing. But it is a series of nothings; a series of small things that add up to something that is beyond my ability to bear.
No-one is conspiring against me. No-one is treating me particularly badly.
It’s just the unrelenting grind. Climbing uphill with nowhere to rest.
The frequency of my meltdowns is increasing. I can’t control or stop them. There is no-one to comfort or console me afterwards. I am spinning untethered into the void.
I am doing what I can. But at the moment that isn’t enough. I need to feel settled. I need to feel safe. Yet I am all tangled; all wrong. And I don’t have the words to articulate why.
I am an elastic band stretched taut and still being stretched.
I am a parachutist with the parachute strings severed.
I jump at shadows; at the smallest sound.
I’m not at my breaking point yet. I know where it is. And I still have some fight; the danger is when I stop caring. But I can feel it coming. Distant still, but getting closer.
I’ve been asking for help. Pleading; begging sometimes.
But no-one hears. And no-one comes.
I don’t know what else to try.