It’s all gone horribly wrong… again

The title of the post says it all.

I thought things were getting better. I was wrong. Everything just became too much again.

And now I’m not at work for a while, I am completely isolated.

Even last night, in an environment where I thought the purpose was to be supportive, I was made to feel as though I shouldn’t have spoken; as though my views don’t matter; as though I shouldn’t be there.

Is it wrong to need people? Is it wrong to wish that someone wanted to contact me first, to ask if I was OK?

Because at the moment it feels wrong.

I’m trying to do things to make myself feel better that don’t rely on other people. I’ve taken myself off to one of my favourite places. And I’m supposed to be going to an event tonight, which I’ve been looking forward to. But even that makes me feel sad; I was supposed to be going with a very old friend but they let me down because other people were more important to them.

For the first time I wish I’d been diagnosed earlier. Because I had to spend so much time hiding, not being able to be myself. I wasted so much time. And now I can be more open. That’s great. But everyone else I meet already seems to be settled; they have no room in their lives for another friend.

Maybe I just need to accept that the only thing left for me now is a hermit life. The problem is, that’s not the life I want.

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