As expected, this weekend hasn’t been great.
Nothing’s really gone particularly wrong. I’m just so aware of the act that I’m putting on. It puts such a strain on me. I don’t want to have to do that any more.
But I also need to feel accepted.
And there’s no chance of that if I don’t put on an act. Not just with my parents… it’s feeling at the moment as though there isn’t really anyone who will accept me as I actually am.
But if I put on an act all the time, I will lose myself again.
It’s not helpful at the moment that things are still so uncertain in a number of different ways. There are too many moving parts. And I am unsure who I can trust; unsure of who is telling me the truth. I’m scared to reach out to anyone in case I’m rejected again.
I am trying to look for any positives in my situation at the moment. I can’t find many. I don’t know how to change things. I can’t really think clearly until I get some stability – but that is such a long time coming.
I’m not sure I’m going to be able to pull myself back from the edge this time. I don’t think I’m worth saving.
I think I have enough courage for a few more days. After that, if nothing is resolved, I’m scared that I’ll be out of strength and out of options.
I’m just hoping nothing else goes wrong.