A failure (yet) again

It’s been a challenging morning and I’m feeling a bit knocked about (only metaphorically, thankfully).

I’m still not back at work, and I want to be. I’m just not well enough at the moment.

I still can’t walk properly, or put any actual shoes on (have been living in sandals for the past few weeks, and it really isn’t the weather for it).

And being unwell – either mentally or physically, and at the moment it’s both – makes the whole autism thing much harder to handle. I don’t have anywhere near the same capacity to cope with things. For instance, I’m writing this from a coffee shop where I usually feel comfortable. But I wasn’t able to get the table that I really like, and that’s thrown me. I have moved tables – the original table I had wasn’t one of my ‘safe’ tables, and so the plan B was to just sit somewhere that isn’t awful and move to one of the better tables when it came free. Which I did, but it’s still not ideal. And at the moment, little things like that are making the difference between feeling OK and coping OK and… not.

And the techniques that I use to dampen the sensory stuff aren’t working particularly well. I feel as though every nerve is twitching and I am constantly on edge. I’ve described the sensation in the past as ‘electric spiders’, but it hasn’t been this bad for ages.

What I would like at the moment is to be able to get into some sort of routine. To be somewhere quiet but not isolated. To get out for a long walk to clear my head.

What worries me most is that I don’t actually want to talk to anyone at the moment. And I always want to talk to people when I feel bad. It’s sometimes the only thing that makes me think I can get through this. I don’t know whether it’s just that I’ve lost confidence that anyone would want to speak to me. Or that I’ve finally given up on reaching out; finally accepted that there won’t be anyone to answer.

But mostly, I feel like a complete failure that I can’t just get over this.

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