Going into hiding… again

(A bit of a follow on to this post)

It’s probably not going to be a good day when you have a meltdown before 8am.
At least this time I know what the cause was. My parents are coming to visit today. And I always have a meltdown before they arrive, however well-prepared I am.

It’s the going around my flat hiding everything that starts it.

And it’s not helped today that I’m still in pain with my foot, have just started new medication that’s knocked me out a bit and they’re coming to visit on a Saturday, which sends my routine out of kilter.

At least I didn’t do anything particularly destructive this time – just a matter of pacing, crying and swearing. Which isn’t nice, and still leaves me feeling drained, but it can get a whole lot worse.

Today will be difficult, though. I just don’t want them to be here, but am going to have to hide that. To put on a mask again. To try to act as though I’m not autistic.

I wish they could just accept me for who I am. But that isn’t going to happen. They’ve never really been able to accept that I am my own person and that my thoughts, ideas and values are different from their own. And that’s without throwing autism into the mix…

I keep telling myself that it is just one day. I’ve got through these days before, and today will be no different.

But they keep wanting to visit. I don’t know why. Maybe they think they should.

And – as I develop more confidence in who I am – each time it gets harder to hide. I shouldn’t have to. But whenever I’ve let my guard down, things go wrong. It seems to be less painful to me, on balance, when I hide around them than when I don’t.

Yet, for some reason, I can’t bring myself to be the person who says “this isn’t working. Let’s not see each other any more”.

Perhaps I’m just weak. Perhaps I’m still hoping for a change that I know won’t come.

Another problem with no easy solution. I think I collect them…


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