It’s quite late here, but I’ve given up trying to get to sleep (for now at least).
When I’m anxious and upset, sleep is one of the first things that goes. My sleep pattern’s always been quite disturbed, so I try to keep to a strict routine. Most of the time it works. Just not today.
When something bad happens, it can take me a while to process the implications. I can talk quite calmly and reasonably about the occurrence very shortly after I know about it – that’s probably a warning sign that it hasn’t quite sunk in.
It also takes me a long time to trust someone. Not only am I unsure of people in general – possibly because I don’t read them well – but I’ve had some bad experiences in the past when I’ve trusted people that I shouldn’t have done.
And that has happened again. And I am devastated.
It’s someone I should have been able to trust, as well. Someone who I relied on for support. That’s what makes this so difficult. Not only can I not trust that individual any more, but I also don’t know if I will ever be able to trust anyone acting in that particular role again. Which cuts off one of the major ways of getting the support and help that I need.
I found out about it yesterday (maybe the day before yesterday, if it’s after midnight when this posts). It didn’t fully hit me until today. And I have – completely unsuccessfully – been trying to mask all day; to pretend that I am fine. But my internal processor is working at full capacity to try and make sense of this new world I find myself in, so everything was pushing me over the edge. Things I normally could have laughed off or ignored just made me feel so unsafe and insecure. And I couldn’t explain why – it had nothing to do with what was happening today, really; I was just overwhelmed and vulnerable. At least I managed to keep myself calm enough that the proper meltdown didn’t happen until I was at home again. It was a particularly bad one this time. And I am left exhausted yet unable to get the rest I need.
And it’s made me realise yet again how completely alone I am.
I think if I told anyone what had happened, they’d understand why I am upset. Why I am having to reassess everything I thought I knew. Why I am left wondering whether there is anyone I can still trust.
But there is no-one that I can tell. There is no-one I can reach out to.
I feel as though I have gone back in time by a year. And I don’t think I have the strength to do this again, and to do this alone. But I don’t seem to have much choice.