It’s another one of those days when everything just feels too hard.
I’ve at least managed to get myself into Brighton. Which was harder than it sounds. I had to go back to my flat 3 times as I kept forgetting important things (car keys, purse, phone). And I’ve just remembered I need to post a card to my parents today but forgot to bring it, so I don’t know whether I’ll now get it posted in time.
Driving was fine. That always relaxes me. It’s something to do with the combination of the movement of the car and being in my own space where nothing can get to me.
But I can’t drive all the time. I don’t think I could afford the petrol, for one thing.
So now I’m in a coffee shop waiting to do something I don’t have the energy for today.
The music playing is at least relaxing. Something classical. An instrumental version of a song from The Magic Flute.
I’m still finding the environment somewhat overwhelming. Even though I’ve found a dark corner and the music is not intrusive. Words are still not coming to me as easily as they sometimes do. I’m having to concentrate a lot to write this. And I’m very grateful for the spell-checking function, as my spelling has become appalling (although better than it would be if I was writing this by hand).
I need to get my flat sorted out this weekend. I don’t think living with so many boxes around is helping me much. And I need to get my musical instruments set up: they form an important part of how I unwind. I’d hoped to do some of that yesterday, but I didn’t have the capacity after everything else.
I’m extremely unsettled today. Can’t quite put my finger on why. It may just be that everything’s built up and I have no obvious outlet for the pent-up tension / stress / emotion (I don’t even know the right word to describe it – it’s the electric spider sensation again coupled with a visual of a kind of ball of energy). It may be that – now everything’s basically sorted in terms of living arrangements – I am now concentrating on the even harder emotional realities going on in my life.
I need things to get easier. I need to have a couple of weeks where nothing is stressful; where I can calm down and re-settle myself. I’m not going to get that in the foreseeable future, though. I don’t even seem to get a day without something else happening at the moment.
I’m not a strong person. And this is all more than I can bear. It’s so difficult to even keep on going. But I have to keep on going, even though it’s hard and even though I don’t always want to, because I don’t really have a choice.
And now I’m starting to feel absolutely frozen. I can almost feel a shutdown coming on. This isn’t the time or place for that. But my words are disappearing more quickly than I can type. And that may also be something that I can’t control.