I have had a very challenging couple of weeks. And I am really struggling to think of anything positive tonight.
The process of buying my flat was all-consuming for a while. Stressful, absolutely. But everything was working towards a specific and finite event. I could understand why I felt as I did, and others could understand as well.
Now that’s sorted out (well, bar a few bags I still need to unpack). And I can’t understand why I feel worse than I have done in a long time.
The best way I can articulate it is that, when I was going through the flat-buying process, I wasn’t only sorting out a more secure place to live – I was also trying to get more hope in my life. I have the place to live, but the hope is completely gone. I’m increasingly realising that other things need to change, but nothing does. I don’t have the time or energy to do a lot of the things that make me value my life. Doing the things that others require of me takes up everything that I have.
I am surviving, rather than living.
And I can’t see that changing.
I have been trying so hard over the past few months to try and change things. It’s come to the point that I need to admit failure.
I don’t know what that means in practice.
Maybe it would be better to just accept that other people will dictate how I live my life. But I’ve spent my life fighting against that type of thing. I don’t think I’m capable of accepting that particular world view. At times over the last couple of years my stubbornness about this has been the only thing I’ve had to hold on to. I can’t give that up easily.
However, the current situation is untenable. I can’t continue like this.
Somehow, something needs to give.
It’s looking increasingly as though that something will be my sanity and wellbeing.