A cautiously positive day

Yesterday was a bit of a challenging day. It’s still hard for me to be assertive about the things I need to successfully manage my condition.

The tactic I’m trying at the moment is to just let the panic happen. Because the more extreme reactions occur when I’ve been trying to suppress or hide what’s going on in my head. So the strategy is just to get to somewhere private and give in to the panic for a while, acknowledging that “this too shall pass”.

Once the immediate reaction is over, I find myself more able to think of a rational way forward. I suspect it’s because I don’t have to spend mental energy on masking how I feel; it’s out of my system and I can move on. That’s not to say it doesn’t come back – for a few hours afterwards I need to be quite careful as small things can trigger the reaction again – but I can at least get on with the rest of my day.

Today has been better. I’ve managed to do a couple of domestic tasks, which is more of an achievement than it sounds; it takes a stupid amount of energy for me to be able to do the simplest thing in that regard. I’ve had a productive day of work.

And I have taken the first tentative steps towards a slightly different life. That’s a post for another time; the seedling is still too fragile to share. But it makes me happy to know it’s there.

The other thing that’s contributing to my more positive mood is where I live now. I still have a few bags to unpack (maybe this weekend). But it’s an amazing space. Even though it technically overlooks a main road, it feels close to nature. I was working today and looking out of my window at the autumn colours and it just felt so peaceful (there are often incredible sunsets as well). I feel very lucky to be here. I just need to make sure I do enough to stay.

And here are some photos – the colours are brighter in real life; my phone camera isn’t brilliant (but – unlike my actual camera – is always charged and easily accessible!).

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