I can’t write the scripts I need today.
I’ve been struggling for a while. Trying to push things to the back of my mind. Succeeding for the most part.
It’s reached the stage where I can’t do that any longer. I can’t find the words that I need to get through the day. Can’t get back into the routines that I need in order to function.
And things just keep hitting me.
Today’s news: we have a date for my father’s cancer operation. This was expected to be early in January. But they have had a cancellation, so it’s been brought forward. To 21 December.
Which means he will be in hospital over Christmas. At least an hour’s drive from where he lives.
Which means that I will be expected to be on hand to provide both practical and emotional support to my mother.
And I can’t do it.
I can’t be the person I am expected to be.
Christmas is difficult anyway. Seeing people I do not feel comfortable with. The noise and excitement everywhere, when all I want is a quiet life. The lack of routine.
The only thing that makes it bearable is that sometimes I am able to get some time to myself.
But this year, I will be under even more pressure than normal.
And I have no support network. So for at least a week, I will be under pressure and having to hide, with no way of releasing that pressure and no time to desensitise. For at least a week I will not be able to speak to anyone who cares about me. I will be expected to act a part that I no longer want to play.
I can’t do it.
But unless someone can write me a different script, I have no choice.