I want a better scriptwriter

I can’t write the scripts I need today.

I’ve been struggling for a while. Trying to push things to the back of my mind. Succeeding for the most part.

It’s reached the stage where I can’t do that any longer. I can’t find the words that I need to get through the day. Can’t get back into the routines that I need in order to function.

And things just keep hitting me.

Today’s news: we have a date for my father’s cancer operation. This was expected to be early in January. But they have had a cancellation, so it’s been brought forward. To 21 December.

Which means he will be in hospital over Christmas. At least an hour’s drive from where he lives.

Which means that I will be expected to be on hand to provide both practical and emotional support to my mother.

And I can’t do it.

I can’t be the person I am expected to be.

Christmas is difficult anyway. Seeing people I do not feel comfortable with. The noise and excitement everywhere, when all I want is a quiet life. The lack of routine.

The only thing that makes it bearable is that sometimes I am able to get some time to myself.

But this year, I will be under even more pressure than normal.

And I have no support network. So for at least a week, I will be under pressure and having to hide, with no way of releasing that pressure and no time to desensitise. For at least a week I will not be able to speak to anyone who cares about me. I will be expected to act a part that I no longer want to play.

I can’t do it.

But unless someone can write me a different script, I have no choice.

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