I have just realised that it’s been more than a week since I actually spoke to anyone other than family.
That’s not a good thing. When I’m around family, I have to put on an act. I can’t be myself. So you could argue that it’s actually been more than a week since I really spoke to anyone, as the lines I speak when I’m there are not my own. The part I have to play is one that I’ve been forced to play for too many years, and has now become almost impossible.
This year will also be the first year I’ve ever spent New Year’s Eve alone.
So I’m not feeling great at the moment.
And I’m increasingly realising that I can’t go on like this. The isolation I find myself in every time I’m not at work is destroying me. But I don’t know how to break it.
I have been rejected so much over the last few months. It’s made me scared to reach out to anyone because I don’t know if they’re being genuine when they say I can, or whether that’s something else that I will have misinterpreted. And people never contact me: I don’t think it’s anything personal, I just don’t think anyone ever thinks about me when I’m not right there.
The last straw was getting a text today from somebody I used to be close to. Only the text wasn’t for me. I don’t know who it was for, but it was making arrangements to meet up for someone’s birthday (I didn’t even get a text on mine, or any acknowledgement when I sent my new address – and buying somewhere to live was a pretty big deal in my life). When I let her know it was a wrong number and sent a friendly message back, the only response I got was ‘sorry’.
So I guess we’re not friends any more. I don’t know what I did wrong.
This has happened with so many people now that it must be something about me that I can’t keep friends.
I try to be nice. I’m (genuinely) interested in other people. But I just don’t seem to be able to make connections with many people.
So all I’m left with is a family that I don’t get on with, and with whom a short visit can leave me so utterly exhausted that it takes me 2 days to recover afterwards.
Or total isolation.
I am struggling to find any pleasure or happiness in such a life.
I don’t know how to change that. I’ve looked at other things, tried other things, but nothing has really worked.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here.
I feel out of options, and out of hope.